Living with the Loss: Grieving My Sibling’s Suicide
It’s hard to put into words what it feels like to lose a sibling to suicide. Even now, years later, I find myself stumbling when someone casually asks, “Do you have any brothers or sisters?” There’s no easy answer to that question anymore.
When my sibling died, my world cracked open in a way I didn’t know was possible.
It wasn’t just the shock of the loss—it was the way it happened. The questions that came rushing in.
The guilt. The anger. The aching sadness. The silence.
The Day Everything Changed
The day I found out, I remember time stopping. I remember the phone call from my mother. The way my body felt hollow and heavy all at once. I remember trying to make sense of it—going over the last conversation we had, wondering what I missed. What I could’ve said. What I should’ve done. The "what ifs" became a constant loop in my mind.
Grief didn’t show up in a straight line. Some days I couldn’t get out of bed. Other days I was numb, just going through the motions. There were times I felt angry at my sibling for leaving. Then guilty for feeling that way. I missed them so fiercely, and yet I was also so confused and hurt. It was like my heart and mind were at war.
The Isolation of Suicide Grief
One of the hardest parts was how alone I felt. People didn’t know what to say. Some avoided the topic altogether. Others said things like “they must have been in so much pain” or “at least they’re at peace now”—well-meaning, maybe, but it felt like my sibling’s life had been reduced to their death.
There’s a stigma around suicide that no one really prepares you for. It can make you feel like your grief is something to hide. I started to avoid talking about it, worried that people would judge them—or me.
But I’ve learned that silence doesn’t protect us. It isolates us.
Healing Isn’t About Forgetting
I still carry this loss every day, but I’ve started to understand that grief isn’t something to “get over.” It’s something I carry, something I live with. Some days the weight is lighter. Some days, it’s not. But it’s a part of me now.
With time—and a lot of help—I’ve found ways to honour my sibling’s memory without being swallowed by the pain. Grief counselling helped. So did writing. So did talking to other people who’ve been through this kind of loss. I found comfort in small rituals: lighting a candle, saying their name, listening to music they loved.
I still miss them. I always will. But I’ve also learned to be gentler with myself. To stop trying to make sense of something senseless.
To remember that love doesn’t end when a life does.
If You’re Grieving Too
If you’ve lost someone to suicide, especially a sibling, please know this: you are not alone. Your grief is valid. The pain, the confusion, the anger, the love—it’s all real. And it’s okay to feel every bit of it.
There is no roadmap for this kind of loss. But there is support. There is connection. There is healing, slowly and quietly, in the places where you let yourself feel and be seen.
And if no one has told you today: what happened was not your fault. You did not fail them. You loved them. You still do.
If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one to suicide, our counselling team is here to support you. Reach out today—because you don’t have to walk this path alone.
